Skid

Kitten claws

The kitten skids

Across the coffee table

Lands on my bare legs

Claws extended.

I know

She means no harm

Just needs a place

To land.

My legs provide

A safe place

For her,

Just not

A good place

For me.

Now she sleeps.

It is time

For endless

Afternoon naps.

Kindness list

Some people seem to come at it naturally

I make a kindness list

People who know

Exactly

What to say

In any

Given situation

Without a side effect

Of pity,

Without any edges.

Kind people.

Some emerged

Into this world

Kind

Some learned

From others.

I make a kindness list.

People who know exactly

What to say.

I am grateful

They exist.

Thick lines

Feeling a mite philosophical.

There is a thick line

Though perhaps

Maybe a finer line

Between

What will come to pass

And now.

What is pessimism?

What counts

As realism?

Sign me up

For thicker lines.

There is more hope

In the thick.

The thin

Well

The thin

Is thin.

There is more hope

In the thick

More substance

Somehow.

Give me thick

Any day.

Thick water

More on the hospital experience. I never knew there was such a thing as thick water.

Until I experienced

The horror

Of all liquids thickened

With cornstarch

And a speech therapist

Who refused

To give me

The swallow test

I learned the joys

Of clear cold water

A green salad

A speech therapist

Delighted to give me

The swallow test

After I fired

The first one.

Scenic overlooks

I am still learning to say thank you even when I haven't seen it myself.

On the way

To our destination

We passed several

Scenic overlooks.

We were in a shuttle

So we didn’t stop

To look over

At the purported

Scenes.

We had to take their word

For it.

We discussed

What scenic might be

In these cases

Having little idea.

Sometimes it’s important

To take someone else’s word

And  say

Thank you.

We always said

And so the time has come. 

We always said

Even when the divorce loomed

Even when

We drove our son

Back and forth

Met at McDonalds

In Brighton.

We always said

Even when

The divorce was final

Each of us

With new partners

More children

Living

In different parts

Of the country.

We always said

We always knew

If push came to shove

If shove came to push

We would be there

For the other.

Hmm

I do my best not to jump ahead of things. One is good enough for now, 

Hmm

Hmm

Hmm

Everything comes

In threes:

Doubt

Understanding

Even joy.

Threes I tell you

Three

A somehow

Magic number.

I count now

I have only reached

One.

Two more

To go.

Hmm.

Daunting

This time next week I will have finished step one... flown out to DC...had the first round of tests, met with the epileptologist at NIH, flown home, and awakened in my own bed. Daunting? Yes. I have a round of what ifs sifting through my brain.  What exactly will step two look like?

This is all daunting

Amazing daunting (who knew)

Who knew really knew?

Blue butterflies

Never knew such things came with tattoos.

So many choices.

In three weeks

My ankle/foot orthotics

Will arrive

With blue butterflies

On the ankles.

Almost like tattoos

Except

Not quite.

I might have chosen

Black panthers

Except

They were not

An option.

Hidden

This feels like an odd new adventure. Who really knows what's inside anyone's skull?

And so

We will see

What comes next.

I add options as I go.

What was possible on Monday

Gains momentum here

On Friday afternoon.

The new possibility may well require travel.

Who knew my brain might prove

Interesting

Aside from sermons and poetry?

So much hidden

Inside my skull.

So much hidden.

Who knew?

Milk ring thrower

And now I deal with the second opinion. Having a kitten helps. Playing milk ring helps.

With the kitten

I watch the birds,

Play endless games

Of milk ring.

She does not

Consider me

Disabled.

She knows me

As a good

Milk ring thrower

Who will continue

To throw it again,

From wherever I sit.

She knows

I am good

At what I do.

Sleeping extra

Dreams never end.

I slept extra

This morning.

I had a dream

I wanted to finish.

People from the past

Grown older.

Young boys swimming by me

In the lake

Up north.

They  came

Out of nowhere

Swimming.

I slept extra

To finish the dream.

Still

There is no such thing

As a dream

Ended.

Disability

Getting my head wrapped around applying for disability is not an easy thing. I'm not really disabled, am I? I can't drive. I walk with a walker. I only had two seizures last year. Both were doozies. 

The west coast voice

Told me:

If you don’t apply for disability

There is no chance

You will get it.

This makes sense

Yet

Yet

Yet

I am not disabled.

No.

Denial comes

In so many forms.

The west coast voice

A gentle voice

An understanding voice

Whose daughter

Had a seizure on a train

In London

During a bombing.

Ah

But that’s different

No it isn’t

One seizure a year

Is not ok

Denial comes

In so many forms.

If you don’t apply

There is no chance

You will get it.

Age

Three ages (or more) all at once

My beloved claims

I am channeling

My inner twelve year old.

I am glad I am not six.

I think of Lily Tomlin

Sitting

In the oversized rocking chair.

I think I am

Possibly three

Instead

Of twelve

Or even six.

Sometimes it is possible

To be three ages

Or more

All at once.