I went to bed early

Time to play with the kitten. First things first.

I went to bed early,

Slept twelve hours,

Woke to sun and grackles,

A kitten.

She attacked my ankles.

She said

Oh now you’re up

It’s time to wrestle

I think

I wrestled in my dreams

By the Jabbok.

What scars shall I live with?

What life

Shall I claim?

Where shall I speak?

Where shall I be silent?

What voice will I listen to?

What angel is worth

The wrestle?

Next to which river?

The kitten says

Wake up

I am worth your time

Let’s wrestle.

Think about it

As I write this I realize it took me less than 24 hours to come to this.  This is a personal record!  I spent years wrestling with me and the Church, how I might best use who I am, who God has called me to be.  Now the temptation to think about it again has come, and I can hold it in front of me, think about it, and let it go.  I am where I need to be.  I have a counseling office directly under the altar.  The thread which ties together the people I see is one of vocational search. There is nothing (I think) that beats choosing to be where one finds oneself.

Think about it

He says,

Presenting me with data

I gave him

Two days ago.

Think about it,

He offers.

So I think.

Now the offer has come again

Full circle

Through his brain and heart

And back to me.

Think about

What you might do.

So I think.

Overnight I realize

I have already answered

The question.

My answer is here

In this small office

Under the altar.

I write and pray.

I talk with one person

At a time.

Sometimes,

Like this week,

In the cycle of things,

Schools fill

Even as they will empty

Next June.

Think about it

He says.

He presents me with something

I wrestled with

For years.

It is new to him.

For me:

I came, I thought, I wrestled

Like Jacob

At the Jabok.

It was truly worth years

Of thought

And wrestling.

Truly.

Now I think again

And let go.

It*s in the wrestling

How many times have you wrestled with God at night, in the dark?  Sent all your companions on ahead, waited for a good word, a new turn of events come daylight?  So much, I think, is to be found in the wrestling, not especially the outcome.  I think God comes to meet us in the wrestling, wrestling which we can only do by ourselves.  In that wrestling comes the possibility of blessing.

Send everyone on ahead

Across the river.

You

Wait alone at night

In the dark

Wait in the dark

You

Hope for a good word brought back

Hope for the enemy,

Once brother,

Appeased.

Instead the stranger comes

In the dark

At night

The stranger comes

Wrestles your life to the ground

Pinned,

Lost and won and lost

Hip-checked, wounded

You

Blessed in the dark

Named and nameless

Both.

You

Send everyone else on ahead

Hope for life

Then

Hope for life again.

Pinned to the ground

Wrestle the dark strange nameless one

You

Pinned to the ground

Hip-checked.

Off-balance.

L   mp.

   i

Hope.