Plaid

Ah dreams.

In a dream last night

Everyone wore

A short-sleeved

Plaid shirt

Cotton

Different patterns.

I sorted them

Into categories.

So many resisted

Sorting.

I thought

I was being helpful.

Soon

I stood back

And watched.

Waiting trees

Autumn colors

Our redbud

Is yellow.

It is almost

November.

The ginkgo at church

Waits in gold

As well.

The churchyard is filled

With pumpkins

Orange

Orange

Orange.

For now.

Advocate

Now I am an advocate

For research

Of all kinds.

I was not treated

Like a mouse

Or a hamster.

Instead

Everyone asked me

If I was comfortable

Enough

If there was anything more

They could do.

The medical team

Showed up

At my bedside

Every morning,

Asked me questions,

Good questions.

Then they left.

And now

I am home.

Gradually

Working my way back in, gradually.

I am home

Gradually.

Pieces of things

Are added back in.

This week is clients.

Next week sees physical therapy.

Throughout everything

The kitten brings me

Her reindeer mitten,

A relic from

My daughter’s childhood.

I throw it.

She brings it back,

Expectantly.

I throw it again.

I am home

Gradually.

Here comes the mitten

Again.

Accomplishment

First appointment with my neurologist this morning. He was stunned that I "made it" into NIH.

Accomplishments are sometimes

Not our own.

I am the first

Of oh so many patients

Of my neurologist

Who has made it

To NIH.

How did you do it?

He asked

How did you do it?

It was not mine

This accomplishment

It was a smidgen

My son

My daughter

My first husband.

It was not mine

But still

Accomplishment

It was.

How did you do it?

I flew.

Unconditioned

Being home is good and right.

This is right.

Shadows of trees

Play through

The open

Front door.

Cool enough air says

You are home.

This air

Is not conditioned

On anything

Except the weather.

This air

Plays

With

The unconditioned sun.

Good

It’s good to see green

Again

Watch the cats

The birds

My beloved drinking coffee

At the dining table.

It’s good

I tell you

Good.

Here we are

All of us.

Soon a walk

To the corner

And back.

Lost words

Home and thinking about NIH, One of the medications I'm on (I believe) makes word retrieval sometimes difficult. For a "word person" this is hard. Still, I have names for a couple more pieces to the puzzle, The neuropathy in my legs and feet was caused by my being on floor in a particular position for hours in April. It even has a special name "toilet seat neuropathy." This appeals to my quirky sense of humor. They found "bright spots" in my brain, which will need to be watched, My EEG shows I am predisposed to seizures. Who knew?

When I take my time

Lost words

Are found

Rather like lost socks

In the washer

In the dryer

Or never washed

At all.

When I take my time

Lost words appear

From the bright spots

In my brain,

Those undefined

Bright spots.

Two more steps

The legs and feet have nothing to do with the epilepsy. The nerves will return on their own. I greet my feet every morning, say goodnight every evening. My beloved arrives this afternoon, along with the MRI. More brain pictures. Meanwhile my sloth and I do our version of cavorting in the hallway.

Waiting for my beloved

And the last MRI.

Two steps

To leaving.

I walk

Up and down the hall

With Rosemary.

I wait well

These days,

Take in particular data

For the doctors

Back home,

Me and Rosemary

Walking the halls

Of this place.

Running

Running like a sloth with Rosemary.

Now I walk up and down

The halls

With Rosemary, my sloth,

In the pocket of my walker.

She is my company here.

One patient told me

About her recent trip

To Panama

Seeing wonderful two-toed sloths

Do you know they

Can move really fast?

She asked.

I didn’t.

Now I know.

Now I can dream about

Me and Rosemary

Running.

Quack

No birds to watch out my door or window here...so I make them up.

Here

Everyone admitted

To the floor

Is admitted by two people:

One who knows

The ropes,

One who is learning.

I watch them walking

By my door

In twos

Almost like

Mother duck and duckling.

I expect them

To quack.

The trick

Yes. I am still amazed.

Here

There is time

And more time

So they can actually hear,

Actually see

What goes on

What does not

Go on.

Here

So much has been ruled out,

So much

Ruled in.

And there

I think

Is the trick.

NIH day 6

Do I have answers? Sort of. No seizures recorded, but some recommendations for my neurologist. 

And so

I have had

A wide range of tests.

They say the wires

Will come off tomorrow.

Two more tests

Then probably home

By the end

Of the week.

I have learned more

What it isn’t

Than what it is.

This is oddly comforting.

I will return home

For more physical therapy

With

My butterfly braces.

NIH

I'm not sure I can even begin to describe this experience. I will write my way through it, but there will most likely be fewer blog entries.

Here

They look at

The whole body.

I am not just

On a video monitor.

Here I am more

Than a woman

With epilepsy

Even the radiologist

Sees my AFOs

Asks questions.

Here everything

Is connected

To everything else.

Quitting

Sometimes enoughness arrives and it is so clear.

There comes a time

To quit

Not quit

In a negative way

But quit to move on

Claim the amazing

The clear possibilities

Never known.

There comes that time

To say

Enough

Enough

This is enough.

Here I am

Eyes wide open

Ears waiting to hear

Here I am chanting

Enough

Enough

Enough

I quit.

Walking carefully

I think we are always learning how to walk

Now I have

Two sets of braces

One too big

One too small.

Today I wear no braces,

Practice walking

Carefully.

I know

I will have to choose

One set of braces

On Monday.

Today I practice walking

Carefully.

From a good friend

I understand

There are

Special blister bandaids

So many things

To explore.

Today I practice walking

Carefully

No braces

At all.

Squirrels

Sometimes watching animals helps.

I watch the squirrels.

They own the backyard like no

Other. They own it.

Done

Wow. More waiting.

The schedule has arrived.

When I am hooked up

I will not be able

To leave my room

For three days

To two weeks

Until

It is done

Done

Done.

The taxi will bring me

To the room.

There I will be

Until it is done.

Someone professional

Will read the results.

It will be a different kind

Of done.

Packing

Planning

Gradually putting things together

For Bethesda

Three days

To two weeks

Socks and underwear

Pills and button-down shirts

Sweatpants.

Trying to remain

Seizure-free

So they can capture

What they need to

When I get there.

I do not want

To use up seizures.

Different order

Alas,

Once more

There is a different order

To things

Than I would like.

I will go across the country

With my beloved

Wearing too big braces

No butterflies.

They will watch

To see

Where my seizures

Begin.

I will walk

The best I can

Or not walk

If need be.