Useful

Several interesting conversations this week.  My trainer asked me if I keep a daily journal of my medical symptoms.  I told her I blog... but the blog is way more than medical.  I found myself naming, to a fellow therapist, that part of my vocation has always been to apply for positions I knew would not consider me a viable candidate due to my gender and/or political position.  I have delighted in the interviews, and sometimes...rarely... but sometimes... I have been called.

This week I realized

Part of my vocation

Is to apply for positions

Which may never

Consider me a match.

Still

All the information,

All the experience

I have accumulated

Is useful

Somehow,

Has been useful

Somehow,

Will be useful

Somehow.

And somehow

I know this is true.

Do you keep a journal?

She asks.

I know she thinks particularly

About medical things.

Yes

I say

I blog.

Yet

Medical things are really only

A small piece

Of the whole.

Wake-up calls

I woke up this morning by myself.  Wake-up calls come in many forms.  I believe God tailors them to fit each one of us... particularly.  I figure part of my most recent wake-up call has been in the seizures... three of them, placed nine months apart.  This time around I think I*ve gotten more attentive.  I am hopeful not to be dropped to the floor again so as to get my attention.  It does seems that some of us need more than one wake-up call. 

They come

In many forms.

They seem sized

To fit

The potential one

 Awakened.

Some of us

Need several calls

Before

We answer the phone;

Before

We get the message;

Even before

We decide

To sit on the side of the bed,

Place our feet on the floor

Get dressed for the day

Eat breakfast;

Wait to see

What comes

In the light of day.

I could do that

Sometimes I suspect that not being able to drive is a way to get me to sit still.  I could do that is the catch phrase of many of my female contemporaries, particularly those of us ordained in the early years.  It is probably the catch phrase of other women and minorities as well.  I suspect so, but I only know my own particularities.  It continues to be a rich life, but I know I could do that is different from I am called to do this, sometimes, often? very different.  

I could do that.

I was brewed and steeped in the mantra of

I could do that.

I suspect among women,

Maybe especially older women,

I am not alone.

I could do that.

There is a vast company of us

Who will round off our edges

To fit into all those round holes

Which perhaps do not suit

Anyone.

It is good I cannot drive

Right now.

I might re-do my resume

To round things off

To fit perfectly.

I might find the best and worst way

To orient myself

To fit that particular round hole.

I could do that.

I could.

Yes, I could too.

God is more real than anything I know

About this time 28 years ago I was sitting with the Examining Chaplains of the Diocese of Indianapolis.  The other candidates that year had sustained all seven areas on their General Ordination Exams.  I sustained six, and *neutralled* theology.  This meant that I was the central focus.  It was a long, and now that I look back, random, almost pointless meeting.  Since that time I have learned an immense amount, read countless books, served in a wide variety of settings.  I have grown into the Priesthood, and am blessed six ways to Sunday.  I suspect I would still *neutral* theology.

Years ago now

I took the exams for ordination.

Despite classes on Rahner and Pannenburg,

I did not pass the theology exam.

I did not fail

Either.

Years ago

Being tested,

I received a neutral

In theology.

The readers could not tell

Either way.

Twenty eight years later I know

I have never been a systematic

Theologian.

The chances are close to nil

I ever will be.

The exact relation of Father to Son to Holy Spirit

Has never been clear.

All are real.

All dance together as one

A circle dance which weaves

In and out.

Before seminary

I was asked if God speaks to me.

I said I had seen no burning bushes

But this felt right.

Now, when I sit with people I often know

What it seems God is saying to them.

I feel the Holy in thin places.

I can even say the Creed without crossing my fingers

Most times.

Over the years I have learned obedience.

This life in Christ is anything but systematic,

At least as far as I can tell.

It is God*s system

That matters.

I follow it as best I know and continue to experience

Amazing comeuppance

Still more amazing adventure.

Often, I am surprised.

I am no systematic theologian.

If I took an exam today

I believe I would still register

Neutral.

And God is more real than anything I know.