First love

I am tracing my decisions back.

At thirteen

My mother told me

Some women love women

Some men love men

Like your parents love

Each other.

The college handbook

Was on the coffee table

For my sister.

I fell in love

With the Quaker school

In Indiana.

When it came my time

I visited schools

In the East

In the West.

Then I chose to go

To Indiana,

To my first love

Sight unseen.

Classes begin on Monday

Learning new patterns. We are not in charge of the "returning to school process." Me, the cats, or the turtle. The other two are sliding through a longer process than I had anticipated. One is off getting a bike carrier, the other is vacuuming the rug for her dorm room. I am watching.

I thought it might help

To keep them company

So they might leave

Sooner.

No.

This is a repeat

Of vacation preparation.

I declare today

Is day one

Of moving back

To school.

It will happen

As it happens.

I will write

As I write.

The cats

Remain

Cats.

The turtle is active

In his turtle tank.

The plan was to leave

Today.

Classes begin on Monday.

No matter what

Classes begin on Monday.

Dried lavender

Stopped off at Whole Foods this morning. At the entrance were bunches of dried lavender. Sending the daughter off for year two of college. The two things matched up.

At the entrance were bunches

Of dried lavender

In brown paper,

Tied with raffia.

It seemed the perfect thing

For your new room:

You

Who waft lavender

Through the house

As you go,

Room to room,

Carrying the kitten.

You

Lavender girl.

The next time through that entrance

I will buy a bunch of dried lavender

For us,

Place it on the front table

In the living room.

A reminder.

Mothers' weekend in Denver

It's decided.  She will transfer to Marquette in January.  Closer but not too close.  It looks to be a good thing.

I thought to visit her

For mothers’ weekend

This winter,

Only to find her moving

Closer.

I do not know if the new place

Offers such a thing

As mothers’ weekend in February.

Winter in Milwaukee

Does not hold the same appeal

As

Winter in Denver.

Still

Still

Visits will not require

Airline tickets,

I can keep a picture

Of the Rockies

On my desk

And see her on a whim.

Discernment

Wow.   Two college visits, one day after another.  One so right, and the other signed, sealed and delivered oh so wrong.  Rarely has discernment been so easy.

How does one visit

Go oh so right, the other

Oh so very wrong?

Not so empty

Everyone gets his or her own experience:  parents, children.  This nest is not defined by its emptiness. It is not so empty.

How’s the empty nest?

They ask

Not so empty

I respond.

There are traces

And texts

And the occasional phone call.

These tell me

Which updrafts

My not-so-baby bird

Is catching;

Which trees

Provide shelter;

What the flock looks like;

Where she flies alone

But still

Not too alone.

Empty nest?

Maybe

But still

Not too empty

Oh she says Oh

When they ask me how I am handling the empty nest, I think:  This baby bird was born in flight.

  

Oh she says Oh

Now I get it. 

I must leave this place

Next to the mountains,

Take Spanish,

Listen to the words

Of Mother Teresa,

Now dead,

But still wise.

Oh

She says

Oh

I must bloom

Where I am planted.

Oh

She says

Oh

Now I get it.

It is difficult to wonder

We dropped her off a week ago.  The conversations and texts continue,  in a different way

It is difficult

To stand aside,

Wonder what is happening

On what seems

The other side

Of the world.

But really

We are only separated

By some prairie,

A whole lot of sagebrush,

Endless fields of corn.

The same sun

Rises and sets here 

No matter the geography.

Still

It is difficult to wonder

What is happening

Beyond the sagebrush

The corn

In full view

Of those mountains.

I face

Home again.  The cat is happy.  We text and call back and forth with our daughter. Today we clean out and return the van to Enterprise.

I face

My daughter’s first days,

As I remember

My own:

The speed of new life

With new people,

New possibilities;

The draw

Of the old familiar,

The old comfortable shoes

In the closet,

The pile of kitchen floor tiles

On the back patio;

The tiles we now use

As a table,

Of sorts,

For garden tools.

These are her first days,

I remember my own:

The swiftness of new life;

The learning how to breathe

With new people,

New possibilities;

The draw

Of the old familiar.

What to share

Our daughter shares a room with two other young women.  We watched the beginning negotiations yesterday.  Impressive.  We know our daughter... will be fine.

What to share.

What to keep private.

We watch the beginnings.

Of course

We only see

The beginnings.

The rest will be worked

Out of our sight.

It has been that way

Already

Of course we know

It has always

Been that way.

Brick feature wall

We double-crossed our fingers in the car so she might get the single bed and not have to share a bunk. She determined it was not a good thing to pray for, but crossing fingers was o.k.  She got the bed, the smallest closet and the brick feature wall which is part of the prize.  Breakfast together tomorrow, then we take the scenic route home via the Sandhill trail in Nebraska.

The dorm room

Is set up.

My daughter drew

The drawn slip of paper

Netted her the single raised bed,

The desk without shelves,

The smallest closet.

Hers

Has the brick feature wall

For the room.

Preparing to go

Ah lethargy.  The daughter is printing pictures on photo paper.  My beloved reads baseball scores.  The cat sleeps on the dining room table.  Me?  I am writing this... dressed and showered and packed. Ready, yet not quite ready, really... not quite ready... to go.

The cat

Lounges

On the dining room table,

A place he is never allowed,

Well,

Almost never.

We have not agreed

What time we will leave,

Each of us

In various stages

Of readiness.

Even the turtle

Has barely made it

Out of his log house.

Kindergarten Wall

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3w5SsgPuCM 

Here it is.

It is difficult to know

What to write today.

Less than 24 hours now.

The cat is sound asleep

On her hair supplies

In the middle

Of the living room floor.

The daughter

Is out to breakfast

With friends.

Yesterday she listened

To John McCutcheon

The Kindergarten Wall

Over and over

At home,

In the car.

We sang the chorus together

On our way

To pick up one last thing

From Marshall’s.

Less than 24 hours now.

The cat is now asleep

Next to the bins

Which will go under her bed.

I get the car

In the name of paying attention to the particulars, I have now put a hold on our mail and stopped the newspaper.  Today is the therapist, negotiations, vegetables and maps.  I get the car!

First off today

Was the rehearsal

Of how I am doing

With the leaving,

With the individuating,

With the connecting

In different ways.

Now comes the negotiation

Of who gets the car,

Then the haircut,

The vegetable pick-up,

And the trip

To Triple A

For maps of Iowa

Nebraska

And Colorado.

I get the car.

Stopover

Four days.  As of now, we pack the rental van on Thursday afternoon, leave Friday morning.  Two clients for me this week.  One session of my own.  Therapy is a good thing for everyone.

We are

A few days

From leaving.

She plans a stopover

To see friends,

Now in Iowa City,

Along the way.

When we say

This may mean leaving

A day earlier

She says

No

No

No

Her mind is set

On leaving Friday.

Practice

The daughter is having breakfast downtown in Logan Square.  We are having breakfast here at home.  I carefully clean my tattoo, apply the thin layer of recommended lotion, pour another cup of coffee.

We practice Sunday morning

Without her.

She left for breakfast

Downtown.

We slept in.

Now we contemplate

One more cup of coffee,

Consider next Sunday

In Colorado,

But first

More comings and goings.

For now we practice

Sunday morning

Without her.

Lilies

Feeling nostalgic and hopeful and still glad to have another week watching the coming and going before the drive to Colorado.

Next to the gold tassel,

The graduation gown

Folded neatly

On the front table,

The glass vase holds

The stem of lilies:

Two white flowers

On their way out;

Two bloomed overnight,

Fragrant;

Two buds still                                

On that same stem,

Their future

Remains unknown.

Baby’s breath pillows

The entire arrangement.

Baby’s breath always

Looks the same

Fresh or dry

Like the pictures

on the family room wall,

Moments captured

In time.

Still

The lilies hold life

Not captured

But released

Into time.

So many ways

I see your Facebook posts, Elizabeth Molitors and Laurie Vanderlei.  Flank steak and matching roommate pillows.  I can't compete.  IKEA makes me dizzy.  Deviled eggs and potato salad are more my speed. Macaroni and cheese later this week.

So many ways

To launch a child:

Pack a van

Cook a favorite meal

Shop IKEA

Look at all the possibilities,

Dizzying

“For-real” dizzying

For this mom.

Dad gets

The next IKEA trip.

Me

I have made deviled eggs

Potato salad

Beets with feta cheese

For dinner.

So many more meals

To come.

Macaroni and cheese

Comes next.

So many ways

To launch a young woman

Cook a meal

Sit in the living room

Watch the comings

And goings

So many ways.

One step at a time

Yep.  Soon she goes.  Every conversation feels deep and meaningful. Time is going faster than I remember. It's the kairos and chronos time distinction.  We are solidly in kairos now.

One step at a time

Even though we all

Would rather leap

To the ending

Or at least the middle.

One step at a time

To learn

What must be learned,

Incorporate it

Into all the steps

Made before,

All the steps

Yet to come.

One step at a time

Even this time

When so much is crammed

Into every moment,

Even more important

To recognize each step

As it comes.

Font

There are several ways to send your last child away to college.  This week we decide on the font for our matching tattoos.

Today or tomorrow

We choose the font

For the tattoo.

Nothing script-y

Nothing scroll-y

Something that will look good

On 18

And 59 year old skin

Alike.

Location has yet

To be determined.

I figure

We have all week.

The tattoo guy

Says it won’t take

Much time.

Of course time

Is relative.