Bright wonder

I think I will be processing this for a long while. Now comes the news from the state that I can not drive. Of course I can not drive. I do not remember what happened five minutes after I left home. I lost at least three hours a week ago Monday. Thankfully no one was hurt. Of course I can not drive.

It is possible to leave home

With no inkling

You will find yourself

In an emergency room

Sometime later,

Realize

Eventually

God has been in charge

All along.

It is possible

To leave home

Find out

Your brain malfunctioned

While driving

And a whole community of people

Gathered around

And even continue

To gather around.

Meanwhile

God pulls threads,

Reweaves and patches holes,

Adds a person here

And a person there

And even

Bright wonder

That everything continues on

In such unimagined ways.

Sixty

For Sue, traveling the West Coast; for Lise, writing screen plays in Texas; for Anne, auditioning for plays in Chicago; and for me. 

I wondered what sixty

Would be like

Oh

Oh

It’s not what I imagined.

It’s better than I thought.

A friend takes a road trip.

Another writes screenplays.

Still another auditions

For plays.

Me

I drive when I can.

I write when I can.

I try out

For new roles.

Sometimes I achieve things

It never occurred to me

I was trying

To achieve.

Surprise.

Surprise.

Sixty.

I wondered what sixty

Would be like.

Gold string

I remember a Christmas, long ago now, me, a single mom with a three year old boy: blonde and beautiful with wonder. His favorite gift that year came off of a present...a piece of gold string. He ran through the house, the string behind him: My "tite" My "tite"  Later the string became part of an intricate series of traps. Gold string. Who knew?

Gold string:

I remember the small boy

Running…it’s my kite!

Below zero

The Feast of the Holy Name has always been one my favorite Holy Days.  Having it coincide with New Year's Day is a Happy Happenstance or something that Is as it Should Be.

Last night I had to mime

Below zero

In charades.

I failed dramatically.

Today

I wonder how I would mime

The Name above all Names

He who is named

And yet

Still nameless

For no name can claim

The Entirety

Or even his Infinitesimal

Smallness.

Today I wonder

How I would mime

All of who Jesus is.

Much as I would like

Sometimes I wonder if one of the gifts of later onset epilepsy is the realization that the whole list of things I thought I might accomplish in my life is really a much shorter list, a pared-down list that has refined my focus to the people and things God intends for me to focus upon.  Hmm.

Much as I would like

To stand and walk,

To drive wherever I wish,

To witness

In bold and eminently visible ways

So no one

Can possibly miss me;

Much as I would like

To be called

Elsewhere,

To be named perhaps

In purple

So everyone might hear;

Much as I would like

Even

To tromp into the wilderness,

Wait for people to come

And find me;

Much as I would like it,

Those roles

Have been filled

And filled

And filled again.

This role is mine,

Even if one hears,

Even if one sees,

This one,

This role

Is mine.

It is difficult to wonder

We dropped her off a week ago.  The conversations and texts continue,  in a different way

It is difficult

To stand aside,

Wonder what is happening

On what seems

The other side

Of the world.

But really

We are only separated

By some prairie,

A whole lot of sagebrush,

Endless fields of corn.

The same sun

Rises and sets here 

No matter the geography.

Still

It is difficult to wonder

What is happening

Beyond the sagebrush

The corn

In full view

Of those mountains.

Counting chickens

Clergy used to be paid in chickens and eggs (and other such things).  I*m back to figuring out what I will be when I arrive, much less where I will be when I arrive. God knows.  Of course God knows.  And pay?  Cups of coffee and an occasional chicken.  My friend says God holds up placards for me.  Yep.  It*s been a multi-placarded week.  I*m not sure how many placards I will need.  Probably a few more.  Almost certainly a few more.

I*m not much for labels.

I do believe Child of God

Is plenty good enough.

Yet

Yet

I still wonder

When I will ever arrive.

If

I will ever arrive.

And

If I do,

Where will I be?

I wonder

How to market myself.

After all

I*m not much for labels.

I wonder

If anyone will ever find me

Other than

By word of mouth.

I wonder if the practice

Of offering something

Hot to drink

A discerning heart

Will net anything more

Than the occasional chicken.

I wonder if anyone

Will know me

As God does.

I wonder if God is the only one

Who needs no explanation

And I can simply rest here

Awhile,

Count the occasional chicken

And

Wait.

Simply wait.

Mirrors

It*s like mirrors, I think, when I read this morning*s inbox offering of yesterday*s blog.  Really I only subscribe myself so I make sure other subscribers are receiving it.  This morning I read it.  Usually I just note it*s there, and delete it.  This morning I read it.  I feel a bit like Alice.

I look in the inbox.

There is yesterday*s blog entry

Which itself reflected

The day before.

It*s a mirror

Reflecting a mirror

Behind me.

It begins a seeming endless looking

Backward

Or maybe it*s forward

I can*t quite tell.

I write this today.

I know it will arrive tomorrow

In the inbox.

I will say

Oh there you were

Now

Where are you today?

WWJD

Today is one of those days.  What would Jesus do?  I have little idea.  Today seems to be a day to sift and sort and possibly walk to the library.  The house is still in disarray.  Kicking over tables, one of the few examples we have of external anger on Jesus* part, does not seem like a productive option.  What would Jesus do?

What would Jesus do?

All too often

I have no idea.

Most times

I come at the question

From the negative.

Would Jesus do this?

Or this?

Or this?

I come at the question

From a string of answers:

Not this,

Nor this.

No,

Not even this.

If Jesus was really pissed

Would he be entitled

To a temper tantrum?

Was kicking over that table

Of moneychangers

In the temple

An example

I might be justified

To copy?

Which piece of the Man

Is justified

Today?

Do I look for tables

To kick over?

Do I walk away,

Away,

And away.

Stay home

And tend to the cat.

Pray for the client

Who didn*t show

Last night

In the rain.

Wonder at the conversations

I had

Instead of the scheduled ones.

What would Jesus do?

What did Jesus do?

What will Jesus do?